What the f*** IS Imposter Syndrome!?

I have been procrastinating and putting off writing this blog for a few hours now. I’ve been staring into the abyss that is social media, hooking myself into Tiktok rabbit holes - avoiding the real task at hand. Writing about Impostor Syndrome.

Let me be totally real with you for a second. As I’ve been drafting this blog. Chatting to some amazing humans about their experiences, gathering thoughts and doing research; I have felt my impostor creeping in and hanging over me like a heavy blanket of doubt.

 I love writing. I love telling stories and sharing them through the written medium. Whether that is short stories, poetry or dabbling in scripts; I adore writing. It’s a kind of therapy for me.

But what I find difficult is navigating through intrusive thoughts that make me feel uneasy and lack confidence in my abilities as a creative.

 I never went to university or drama school and I don’t have a degree to my name. If you know me, I don’t really like to go by the book. I like to explore different avenues and paths to try to get to the places I want to be.

Although I am happy with the choices I’ve made, the steps I’ve taken to make progress in my career as a creative; I always have these questioning thoughts quizzing the validity of what I bring to the table.

 I remember sitting in the Music Hall at the National Youth Theatre building in June of 2019. I was surrounded by a sea of theatre directors, facilitators, company managers and assistants and I thought to myself –

 ‘How the f*** did I get here?’

 ‘Why am I in this room?’

 ‘I shouldn’t be in here’

Then the session started with the lead facilitator asking us to get into a circle. A theatre classic. We went round, introducing ourselves to the room, our pronouns and what course we were going to be working on that summer. I remember feeling this intense spread of thoughts but one that anchored in me was ‘I’m not qualified to be here’.

 I absolutely was.

 I had completed the training NYT had asked for us to undertake before being chosen as an assistant. I had done my Safeguarding training. But I had never led a space before in my life. I knew that in just a few weeks’ time I was going to be working with 30 young performers, taking them through exercises, running drama games with them, helping put together their final sharing and being their pastoral support throughout the course.

 The task felt daunting and overwhelming. It was over that weekend I discovered – I had major Impostor Syndrome.

 So, what is Impostor Syndrome?

VeryWell Mind describes Impostor Syndrome (IS) as “an internal experience of believing that you are not as competent as others perceive you to be”.

Yep, that sounds about right to me.

When I experience IS I always feel my brain flooded with questions of ‘am I supposed to be here?’, ‘why me?’, ‘I’m not qualified to be here?’.

So, this explanation, it seems to me, is an association of self-doubt to that of Impostor Syndrome.

 

Although this is a great definition as a generalised tone of Impostor Syndrome, my question is - Does this definition encompass creatives and artists?

Personally, I feel that this definition is a nice base level of understanding when approaching IS but, for me, it only scratches the surface.

Personally, Impostor Syndrome denotes connotations of – but not exclusive to – self-doubt, the fear of being exposed as a fraud, perfectionism and not being good enough in the eyes of others.

 

I wanted to open a candid conversation about IS with other creatives. To see what their experiences with Impostor Syndrome are, how it affects them, why they think it might affect creatives and what are their mechanisms with living with Impostor Syndrome.

I sat down with a good friend of mine, actor and all-round queen, Priya Blackburn (Get Even, Bohemian Rhapsody) to chat to and learn about her experiences of Impostor Syndrome.

Priya spoke of her first awareness of IS as something that affected her in stages. She notes how:

“I had IS the day I said I wanted to be an actor and people questioned me.

“From telling people at school and university, to continuing part-time drama school after filming Bohemian Rhapsody, IS has never left me. 

That, was a big moment for me - in terms of Imposter Syndrome. BoRap wasn’t out, not many people knew about it, so I felt like a fraud because I didn’t have the formal training to back me up.

People said it was luck, timing. I also didn’t really have an agent at the time, so it was just a continued diving board - jumping into this abyss of Imposter Syndrome. This was the stage in my creative journey where Imposter Syndrome really set in.”

 

Having not gone to drama school myself, there is still a layer of ‘oh you don’t have [insert prestigious drama school title here] stamp on your profile’ so therefore you’re not a ‘proper’ creative.

I know this isn’t true, but the stigma almost feels ingrained. That, in order to have the approval of our work in the eyes of others, we need to have had ‘authorised’ training as a foundation. By authorised, I mean a blue-tick institution.

Priya then goes on to reflect how, for her, Impostor Syndrome can/could arise:

 “When people don’t like your style of acting and […] then that also creates IS as well because it brings the thought of ‘if one person doesn’t like what you do, then everyone doesn’t like what you do’ which is obviously not true.”

Again, playing in this idea of qualifying your artistic worth. It’s a really infiltrating mindset to come to terms and work with and because you’re trying to separate what you know to be true and what’s the impostor syndrome talking.

As a creative, everything we do and make is subjective. Our art is a representation of ourselves; it comes through us, because of who we are and our lived experiences. Not everyone has the same taste in art and not every piece you make, show you create, story you write will appeal to others. But it still hurts when our work is criticised.

 I have never understood why at school why subjects like art and drama are graded. It’s absurd to think that within the foundations of our educational learnings, we are being told what’s nice to look at and what’s not nice to look at, when art is an expression of feeling and emotion. This generates a sense of self-doubt in one’s artistic worth, or worth in general, this fuelling Impostor Syndrome all the more.

 

Priya went on to speak about how she feels that:

 “Actors have to have this certain standard of prettiness. You have to look a certain way to be an actor, for example my skin today is horrific and it makes me doubt that I can meet a certain level that is required of me – in regards to looks and acting ability. If I can’t tick every box, that makes me doubt myself. Race and gender are a big factor in terms of Impostor Syndrome.”

For performers our bodies, our minds, our skin and everything we are, are our instruments.

There is this strange beauty standard layer to our industry. The casting might say they’re looking for ‘normal people’ but are they actually looking for a heightened, beautiful normal person with the biased beauty standards that come within that like having clear skin, straight teeth and being a certain weight?

To me this is bizarre because any most people have blemishes, spots, scars, acne etc.  

Priya continued with the analogy of “It’s like when people go to a gallery and look at art work. They like looking at certain pieces of art because it’s appealing to the eye. You know. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a film where the actors have full on acne. Would that not be appealing? Would that be unsightly? Would it be shocking because we aren’t used to seeing it on our screens? Again, for me, when I have a bad day in my appearance brings up my Impostor Syndrome.”

It's frustrating that we have trained our eyes to see what is/isn’t beautiful. By chasing this beauty standard tick box, we have conditioned ourselves into chasing another tick box of validation - another layer to the onion that is Impostor Syndrome.

Priya agreed that we are “looking for validation and […] therefore you’re still going to be in this cycle of:

I’ve got Impostor Syndrome > let me do the work > get validated > feel good about it > lack of work and/or artistic fulfilment > Impostor Syndrome kicks in again”

For me, this cycle also brings up the ‘Every Man/Woman’ archetype. How their main goal is wanting to belong and being accepted into spaces that we desire to be in and sustain in.

How do you find that sense of belonging without the constant need for validation? Thought I must admit, if validation makes us feel good, doesn’t that make us … human?

 I also spoke in conversation with Irish actor, writer and director Kevin Murphy who recently moved to London to pursue his creative endeavours.

Kevin spoke of his first experiences of Impostor Syndrome during his transition year in Ireland.

For those who don’t know the term transition year; Kevin describes it as the “year between GSCEs and A-Levels where you do work experience and driving lessons and you get to dick about really.”

 Kevin found that he got into drama during this year and thought he’d “give acting a crack at the local Oliver show. I fell head over heel in love with acting and I thought ‘finally I’m good at something and people thought I was good at that […] So when I went to college, joined the drama and musical societies and thought I’m going to commit myself to this totally and be the person who’s been in the most shows. I set myself this pedestal already. […] I think we are always shifting these pedestals. It’s like your goal posts move as you go on in life.”

I’ve felt the same when I’ve worked with creatives who have said they like my work. You put them on this platform and the external validation you get feeds the voice that says you’re good. It gives you this confidence boost, this ego boost as an artist because your work is being reacted to in a positive way, it’s being confirmed by those seeing it and there for you are being validated.

Kevin joked that he thinks “It’s good to acknowledge that, to a certain extent, there is a tiny bit of attention seeking in everything we do. We like going out there to bow and the audience are applauding you and you think ‘oh that’s for me that’s quite nice to feel.’

Like I said earlier. We are only human. It’s a great feeling when someone says you’re good at something and it makes you start to believe it, if you already didn’t think it in the first place. 

Kevin went onto speak about his attendance on a mentorship programme to get his own theatre show up and running.

Kevin said how it’s “great because it seems like I’m suited to that level in my career. The person who’s runs that is also doing an R&D devised piece based on a book and she asked me if I wanted to co-direct that and I was like ‘me? Why me? What the f***?’ so I led that session on the Monday just gone.

The whole time I was looking around the session thinking to myself ‘these guys are all like two years younger than me’ but when I was chatting to them on the way back home on the DLR they were like ‘you’re a student’ and they thought I was this professional guy coming in and running the sessions. Immediately, I’m jumping to ‘this is the one thing I’m trying to do and then my brain is stopping me’ and I’m thinking ‘hang on mate this was your idea in the first place’.”

So, why does Impostor Syndrome affect creatives so much? 

According to an article in Time, 70% of people experience IS at some point in their lives according to a study performed by the International Journal of Behavioural Science.

Now this statistic isn’t exclusive to creatives, because I think it’s important to note that it’s not just creatives that feel Impostor Syndrome.

Everyone can experience Impostor Syndrome; it’s totally valid to feel it. It’s a very normal feeling but not a normal feeling that’s openly acknowledged.

For the sake of this blog being geared towards the creative sphere, I am pressing on with us in mind.

 Priya and I discussed what might be a possible reason for why IS affects creatives so much. Priya spoke how our work is “so subjective. You’re continually being judged on what you are personally producing; everything you do is unique to you […] It’s not a carbon copy of anyone else, […] yes it might be similar in tone but it is stemming from you. So therefore, if something doesn’t go well, if it’s not the response you intended, then you’re continually judging yourself.”

I wonder if we put a pressure on ourselves to achieve success but with the added weight of self-deprecation if we fail. If we fail, it feels like it only proves to our impostor that our endeavours weren’t worth it in the first place. 

It’s a double-edged sword because you almost need to find a comfortability in yourself and the work you make, knowing not everyone is going to like what you produce, but being okay with that.

Priya spoke of how she thinks “most creatives share such similar experiences and when someone on a platform says something (about your work) that strictly isn’t true […] you’re creating this toxic self-doubt because people put out these fake personas which aren’t real.”

It’s interesting because we find ourselves creating this unachievable state of perfection that we are all striving to reach but it’s not possible, even though you still want to get close to it. Again, bringing back this idea of pedestal status for us to compare ourselves to.

 Priya continuing to note she thinks that “Impostor Syndrome comes from wanting this state of perfection and failing, from wanting people validation because that makes you seem perfect.”

Kevin noted how “there is all this pedestal talk in the industry, what with the Olivier awards coming up and such, and that’s the stuff we first watch because that’s the most accessible thing for us to see. So, from an early age, that meritocratic value system is placed onto us.”

I also don’t think that you can ever be perfect. We have these expectations of perfectionism, this pedestal culture, that is introduced to us at a young which aren’t really achievable. 

 We cannot be perfect because we are imperfect beings. We cling to our hopes that something about us will be that ‘perfect match’ that allows us to book a job.

 Kevin noted on the rejections creatives face, pretty much on the daily. He spoke of how “when you do get something it can feel too good to be true […] You’re doing something quite vulnerable; it can be a solitary process being an artist, and everyone will have opinions on everything you produce. It’s like the difference between doing a song or a monologue. I’ll do a monologue any day but a song, no thank you. A bad note is a bad note, there’s no covering that up. You’re baring your soul – that quite melodramatic.”

Here’s the thing. I don’t think it’s dramatic.

I have described to many a person that the roles I book or auditions I do to a similar standard to that of a Horcruxes. I do think a tiny part of your soul does go into everything you make because you do have to put a certain degree of yourself into what you produce. Speaking as a performer, from that perspective, if I’m trying to describe what it means to me to someone who has no idea what is going on. It has to have a tiny bit of me for the work to be what it is. Which is scary and terrifying and soul bearing but also a really dumb analogy of someone has never seen Harry Potter.

Now this is where the conversation went slightly off track. Please grab a biscuit and enjoy this Harry Potter themed tangent where Kevin and I explore the possible show concept of Voldemort being a drama school student.

You can see how this tangent began; I am sure.

I am now pressing pause on this blog.

I don’t want this conversation to finish here. This is a kettle of fish what needs further diving into. So, I shall be jumping into a part 2 of this blog next week where I speak to Priya and Kevin about their mechanisms for living with their impostors.

Want to share your thoughts on your experiences with Impostor Syndrome? We’d love to know - Tweet us @childcreatives or join our Facebook Group the CHILD-hood to take part in the discussion.

See you in the next blog!

Lots of love,

            Jess x

Founding member of CHILD

P.P.S Speaking of impostors… here’s one posing as a human last Friday night with a glass of wine and newspaper to hand – or should I say paw.